Full Class Workshop Draft Reviews

Derek Swanson had an overall great story. I felt that I can relate to his family's struggle of how to support themselves financially during the Great Recession of 2008. He can use some development in his introduction when he mentions America does not have a great history. I love how he gives an overview of American history by talking about the Civil War and the Roaring Twenties leading to the recession before starting his narrative. I would have liked to see some more detail in his narrative such as what job did his dad have before the recession and to explain how he felt when he found out that his family was given the ultimatum to catch up on the mortgage or move out. He also mentions "there are certain lessons that only a father can teach his son" which can use some more development as he mentions he was taught to be the man, but what specifically did his dad teach him in order to be strong? One thing I noticed is that sometimes he says "dad" in places where it sounds like it should be "my dad". Having "Dad" is acceptable, but it has to be capitalized since it replaces the dad's name (Ex: after that, Dad/[his name]....). There were a few grammatical errors, but they were not distracting. Overall, his paper is in the later stages of writing an essay that can use more development in general and it answers the essay question of what being an American means to him. Keep up the great work, Derek!

Kerschner also did a great job explaining how come the first word that comes into mind when hearing America is freedom. I love how he introduces the thought of how people have different perspectives on what the United States is as a country since this is exactly what we are exploring when writing this essay. One thing that stood out to me was how he uses Albert Einstein's quote and incorporates it into his narrative on how America represents that quote and how he wants to act upon that in his teaching career, but I would have liked to see him expand on it. Giving an example of how if someone was forced into a job that is difficult for them, they might feel put down. Something that I found very unique was that he presented a counterargument when mentioning freedom of education, even though it is mandatory by law to go to school until you're 16. He mentions how people may have this thought, but he explains why he is right since education ultimately gives you a greater opportunity to get a better job. I would have liked to see this counterargument further developed by further explaining the importance of having a basic education. Maybe a historical example of how poor people stayed poor because they could not afford education or maybe even enslaved African Americans who struggled to gain their right to vote since they could not read. Overall, his paper does a nice job answering what America means to him, but just needs some development.